Sesame Street, Meets Lord of the Rings
by Dragonfaery93
Summary: Rubber Duckies, Chopsticks of Doom, and a really weird plot twist. R&R ¤PLEASE!¤
1. Chapter One

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to us! PLEASE don't sue us! (Cheryl says: even if they did, they wouldn't get anything…all I have is some pocket lint…)NOTHING BELONGS TO US! Well except for: The "Chopsticks of Doom" (belong to Katy) The name Izzledoor, The Twisted Plot.  
  
Please note: Some of the sections have been severely censored, and rewritten.  
  
1 Sesame Street Meets Lord of the Rings  
  
~~**~~  
  
Saron has been defeated and men lie dying beside elves and each other. Izzledoor has the ring of power…  
  
Suddenly out of nowhere, Ernie appears!  
  
"Rubber ducky, you're the one! You make bath time so much fun…"  
  
All of the remaining Orcs recoil in terror. A singing, naked, ugly, fuzzy orange thing is playing with a rubber ducky in the middle of the battlefield. Izzledoor walks over to Ernie who is staring around himself in shock.  
  
"What race are you from?"  
  
Ernie looks upwards to Izzledoor's face and proclaims, "I'm a Muppet!"  
  
"A what?"  
  
"A Muppet, you know- sesame street?"  
  
A sudden look of understanding crossed Izzledoor's face and he replied, "Oh! How is Elmo? He hasn't been in any of the recent episodes. Or, did he get booted because of the mysterious ' Big Bird Incident'?"  
  
[End of Cheryl's section] 


	2. Chapter Two

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to us! PLEASE don't sue us! (Cheryl says: even if they did, they wouldn't get anything…all I have is some pocket lint…)NOTHING BELONGS TO US! Well except for: The "Chopsticks of Doom" (belong to Katy) The name Izzledoor, The Twisted Plot.  
  
Please note: Some of the sections have been severely censored, and rewritten.  
  
  
  
~~**~~  
  
Ernie glanced around to make sure nobody was listening, "I bet you didn't hear what really happened to Elmo."  
  
Izzledoor looked puzzled, "What happened?"  
  
Ernie pulled Izzledoor aside and began in a soft voice...  
  
Ernie Speaks:  
  
It all started when I discovered that my rubber duckies would disappear and turn up later with its squeaky hole torn up and mutilated, and the head would be missing or decapitated. I began to notice that there was a large amount of red fuzz in them, but didn't think anything of it until Oscar told me that Elmo had been stealing my duckies, brutally butt rape them, then rip up their heads with his "Chopsticks of Doom" Before I could stop Elmo it was too late… His fetish for yellow birds (esp. fuzzy ones) had gotten out of control. I was heading over to Big Bird's house for some tea and crumpets when I saw the door was wide open..Right as I got inside, elmo was ready to chop off Big Bird's head with the "Chopsticks of Doom". Personally, I don't think Big Bird will ever walk the same again!  
  
When Ernie finished his story, Izzledoor lay on the floor in a puddle of his own barf. When he was finally able to rise again he asked, " What happened to Elmo?"  
  
Ernie sighed sadly, When the police arrieved he went bezerk. He ran anroun in circles with the "Chopsticks of Doom", anybody who tried to get near him was slashed at. Finally, she stabbed his eyes out. As we speak, he is in a lil padded cell on the Funny Farm, screaming for rubber duckies."  
  
[end of Katy's Section]  
  
~~**~~ 


	3. Chapter Three

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to us! PLEASE don't sue us! (Cheryl says: even if they did, they wouldn't get anything…all I have is some pocket lint…)NOTHING BELONGS TO US! Well except for: The "Chopsticks of Doom" (belong to Katy) The name Izzledoor, The Twisted Plot.  
  
Please note: Some of the sections have been severely censored, and rewritten.  
  
  
  
~~**~~  
  
  
  
Now it was Ernie's turn to ask questions…  
  
  
  
"What happened to Dildo and Cheeto?"  
  
Izzledoor began to look uncomfortable…"well, ummm…"  
  
"Yes?" Ernie prompted.  
  
"Cheeto as you know, studied dragons in his free time".  
  
Ernie nodded sagely, "I knew before even Oscar did!"  
  
"Izzledoor looked curiously at Ernie, "Oscar and Ernie were going out??!!"  
  
"Um, yeah. Before the sex change operation that is."  
  
"The WHAT operation?"  
  
"You didn't know about the 'little operation' "?  
  
"I had no *CENSORED* idea", Izzledoor said softly.  
  
Silence fell for a few minutes  
  
"Oops? Haha? J/k? Never mind!" Ernie announced abruptly. "Tell me what happened to Dildo, Cheeto, and Spam!"  
  
Izzledoor drew a deep breath and began to talk…  
  
Izzeldoor speaks:  
  
Everybody knows about Sheblob, the dragon Cheeto killed. Well, Spam also had a dragon obsession...which was far more than an obsession. He didn't study them- he had sex with them.  
  
When Sheblobwas killed, Cheeto lay unconscious. Spam suddenly realized that this was probably his last chance to have sex with a dragon, so he *ahem* took advantage of his chance. Can you imagine the 60-foot dragon and the 3-foot bobbit? It was an ugly sight for poor Goodgulf. He had already had his normal three pipes an hour average, but the sight of Spam and Sheblob was just too much for poor Goodgulf. He had 12 pipes of pot in one hour, and had a severe O.D. on the spot. A few hours later, Cheeto came back to consciousness, to find Spam with Sheblob and Goodgulf passed out. Spam noticed that Goodgulf happened to have a packet of pipe pot in his hand, and took advantage of Goodgulf's unconsciousness. He "borrowed the pipe, staff (to light it of course) and two hours later, everything was wonderful to Cheeto! He decide to join Spam and the very dead Sheblob, after all Spam seemed to be having plenty of fun…When my poor army found them, they were all beyond out help; None of the bobbits could walk, Sheblob was head and mutilated, and Goodgulf was still passed out on the floor. Both Cheeto and Spam are locked in what remains of Wiseandhard. Goodgulf is relearning to put on pants, and Spam has been put in a chastity belt for life. (We elves and men all agreed that it is all our best interest to keep him in the belt for life.) As for Cheeto, he is recovering form his little trip quite nicely and he cannot remember any of the "events" with Sheblob and Spam.  
  
Ernie sat listening to Izzledoor, and decide to pay Spam a visit…perhaps those lock picking skills were going to come in handy at last…(Katy's AND Cheryl's section!)  
  
~~**~~  
  
Like it? Love it? Hate it? Want me and Katy to jump off a cliff because it's so horrible? Want me and Katy to write more??*evil laugh* TELL US! Or we won't write anymore. 


	4. Chapter Four

Ernie didn't even know where to start looking for Spam so he decided to ask Goodgulf, the all-knowing pothead.  
  
As soon as Ernie walked onto Goodgulf's front door, he could see pot smoke coming from the windows and chimney. Ernie knocked on the door and Goodgulf opened the door and smoke came pouring out of the house. He was stoned beyond belief! After sitting with him for over 4 hours, trying to sober him up, Ernie finally asked Goodgulf,  
  
"Where is Spam?"  
  
Goodgulf looked confused.  
  
"Sperm? I don't know any Sperm. Or do I? Or at least I haven't seen any in a long time, if you know what I mean."  
  
Then, the black knights come storming into the little house and broke into song,  
  
"Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is good…"  
  
Then, with a flash of smoke, they spontaneously combusted right on the spot.  
  
"Not sperm, SPAM."  
  
"Oh ooh, of course, SPAM! I haven't seen him since that dragon *incident*."  
  
"Do you know where he lives now? I tried looking for him inn Isenguard but he had escaped."  
  
"Ah yes, but of course! If I'm not mistaken, I think he now resides in the Dung Heaps of Dungwood.  
  
Ernie was overcome with disgust. Who in their right mind would live in a field of dung heaps?  
  
"Well, thanks Goodgulf, I guess it's off to the Dung Heaps of Dungwood. 


	5. Part FIVE, AT LAST!

As Ernie trudged towards Dung Village, He wondered how he would find Spam. Goodgulf had not only been high, but extremely vague as to where Dung Village was located. "S'over thear.shomewhere s'all dong covered, and shmells lick poopie," The very high Goodgulf had slurred out to Ernie. After a few more steps, Ernie rounded a corner and found a sign that read: "Beware of Fuzzles"! "What the *censored* is a *censored* fuzzle?" Ernie wondered aloud. Little did he know how soon he would find out. ~*~IN DUNG VILLAGE, SPAM'S HOUSE~*~ Suddenly Spam hopped out of his dung-covered door, and onto the road before a vast- army like- group of very deranged things. He began to talk to Cheeto, formerly Frito, but now Cheeto for legal reasons. Cheeto stood holding a clipboard before the vast gathering of deranged people and creatures. Cheeto: ARMY ROLE CALL! Spam: HUZZAH! Now where's that stupid list?  
  
As all the creatures began to make deranged noises, Ernie rounded a last corner of this paragraph. As Ernie looked A D R N O U He saw various deranged creatures: Salesmen, Orcs, Ring Wraiths, Lint-balls with teeth, Drag Queens..the list was endless!  
  
Spam: Weapons? Cheeto: Check! As Spam yelled "weapons" Before Ernie's eyes, many sharp swords, toothpicks, bagged farts, and old sweaty socks appeared in a large pile. Suddenly, Elmo appears with some Star-Trek goggles that allow him to see on, playing with swords of various shapes and sizes. Only then does Ernie notice that Spam is dressed entirely in yellow.  
  
Cheeto: Orcs? Spam: (glances around) Check! Orcs: (in Cheerleading outfits) Go bananas! B-a-n-a-n-a-n-s! Cheeto: Banana flavored condoms in varying sizes? Spam: (point to a crate the size of several large Dragons) Check! Cheeto: Ring Wraiths? Spam: Absent! Where are those freaks? They were supposed to get here YESTERDAY! Cheeto: Just put up a wanted sign in the whorehouse, they'll probably show up within the hour. After all, even ring wraiths need to get some.it's legal now that the F.U.C.K. Bill has been signed. Cheeto: Drag Queens? Spam: Check! They're helping at THE HOUSE right now; they'll be back in a few. Cheeto: Right then! Cheeto: Backpacks full of useless stuff that looks interesting yet foreboding? Spam: Check! Suddenly all the deranged creatures found heavy backpacks full of useless yet foreboding stuff.even Ernie had a backpack!  
  
Cheeto: Good! All we need now is moron stupid enough to carry the decoy ring, and risk his or her life for a lost cause! OOPS, I mean a kind and brave person who will be sweet enough to carry this important ring to my mother's mother in time for tea tomorrow!  
  
Ernie suddenly jumped forward, "I'll do it!" He blurted out.  
  
Spam look at him with faint shock, "Where'd you come from? I heard from Elmo that you were under house arrest for stalking big bird again!"  
  
Ernie looked slight miffed but said, "It's not true, I was SO framed! But no matter, I am willing to help you for this noble cause!"  
  
Spam and Cheeto looked at each other, then at Ernie, "The Jobs all yours!" they cried in unison. 


	6. Chapter Seven Katy has part 5, and six d...

Part Seven of Lord of the Rings/ Sesame Street Crossover!  
  
A/N: I'm sorry…part of that sorry is just WRONG! Can't post it here without risk of being screamed at. I continued it from part five and added in parts of Katy's section (six). So really this is part six…but seven is cooler!  
  
~~The Story Continues~~  
  
As Dildo sat with Elmo, both fully dressed in drag, they talked over life in general. Dildo, had issues with Elf people (he had a *ahem* thing for them) and Elmo had a thing for duckies and other yellow various objects (which is why Spam was dressed in all yellow).  
  
Then, as Spam and Cheeto were calling off the checklist, Ernie showed up!  
  
"I'll join! I want free cake and and and, ducks!" Screamed Ernie.  
  
A very shocked Goodgulf turned around from the crowd of Drag Queens, and demanded to know "what the *CENSORED* naked fuzzy thing was."  
  
"Damn it!" Ernie said. "I knew something was not right! I just totally forgot to get some clothes from Izzledoor!"  
  
Elmo was looking at Ernie with a thoughtful look in his eyes, "We have need for one more drag queen to help in the Great Battle. Are you willing to stuff four shirt and risk loss of any self respect?"  
  
Ernie began to back away slowly, "H*** no!"  
  
"Oh. Well then, you can just come along with us to Mount Doom and help defeat the evil Soggyman."  
  
Ernie readily agreed to this, as Elmo promised that it vast amounts of Birthday cake were included.  
  
As Ernie stood there, Goodgulf grew impatient. He waved his wand to blast him 50 feet, but suddenly the wand snapped in two. "What the *CENSORED*?! That's the third one this month! Who makes these cheap things?" Goodgulf begins to closely examine the remains of the wand. "Made in Mordoor…Mordoor is gonna get it from me!" Goodgulf runs off, in full drag costume towards the setting sun, to nuke the men of Mordoor…Little did he know that Mordoor was in the opposite direction.  
  
A/N: RETURNING TO THE MAIN POINT!!!!  
  
Ernie was issued elf armor (donated by Legoless Bananaleaf) as well as a Muppet sized sword(actually, he was given a practice sword…nobody wanted a naked dude to own a sharp item. Even though he was now clad in armor and pink boxers) Ernie was given a ring and paperclip chain from a box of crackers, and was told that "You are the decoy, you run in the front of the army screaming 'Finders Keepers Losers Weepers' and waving the fake ring around, when we attack Mordoor ".  
  
  
  
[end part seven…Cheryl's part with Katy's mixed in!] 


End file.
